


Rude and Inaccurate Prophecies of Crowley, the Witch

by sekhmetpaws



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/M, Female-Presenting Crowley (Good Omens), Inquisition, Medieval, Tags May Change, Witch Crowley, Witch Hunters, witchfinder aziraphale, witchfinder gabriel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26516476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekhmetpaws/pseuds/sekhmetpaws
Summary: Private Witchfinder Aziraphale goes to his first mission ever.He was expecting it to be a lot- maybe a rumor started by scared people, perhaps a threat to everything he ever believed or even trauma to deal for the rest of his life- but not this.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 12





	1. New Moon

“Aziraphale, I believe you are ready to do it.”

Aziraphale wrung his hands nervously. Certainly, to be part of the Witchfinder Army was not the reason he wanted to be part of the clergy. To be honest, although he considered himself a man of faith, he never really, really, really wanted to be part of the clergy. In fact, when his older brother, Michael, assumed the family’s business, while he occupied his time devouring book after book (with a lot of food in the in-between, to be fair), his family thought he would be more useful for the church. Well, and now the church seems to think he would be more useful hunting witches.

“It’s not that hard, okay?” Gabriel continued his monologue. “Half of the time, some wild boar is scaring the vicinity and the farmers get scared or someone’s milk got rotten and they want to blame magical forces for it.”

“So, there are not really witches out there.”

“Of course, there are Aziraphale” His face contorted into a grimace. “What would we be putting effort into a witchfinder army if there were no witches? I'm just saying people may be letting their imagination do most of the job. Now your job is tranquilizing them. They are not supposed to be believing in witches, monsters, nature spirits, false gods... There is just one..."

"There is just one God, I know Gab... Sargent. But what if there is a witch?"

"A public execution always helps to appease moods." Sandalphon smiled from the other side of the room.

A shiver ran through his body. Sandalphon always made him feel uncomfortable. "But what if...?"

"Aziraphale." Gabriel put his hand on his shoulder. "Your duty here is to judge and I want you to be a Private because I believe you will have the right judgment."

Aziraphale swallowed dryly.  
...  
Aziraphale had a lot of doubts.

He would never say it out loud, but he was afraid all of this "Witchfinder Army" was for show. There is no possibility there are so many witches out there that Saldanphonjust managed to hang seven of them just this week. And if there were, were they all that harmful? They all deserve such fate?

Maybe Gabriel was right and people were just letting their imagination go free and seeming things were there aren't any. He didn't like to consider people could also be lying to harm others either. And maybe, which made everything worst, everyone else knew it too but just thought killing some poor woman now and then was easier than having to justify all these unfounded fears. He looked up to Gabriel traveling by his side, his horse was faster than Aziraphale's little donkey, but he was keeping his pace to trot by his side. Yesterday, he was happy to know Gabriel was the one traveling with him and not Sandalphon but now he was uneasy. If the time came, and it would be easier to condemn a stranger just to satisfy the village, would he choose the comfortable or the right path? He wasn't sure. Gabriel had his share of judgments, he wasn't a Sargent for nothing after all, and the thought made his stomach sank.  
...  
"Thank you for coming with me."

Gabriel shook his head. "It's nice to have company. Also, no one taught me shit when I started. I almost died. It would be good for you to have some tips..."

"How did you...?"

"Look. The road is blocked." Gabriel rolled his eyes. "These smaller villagers are always so hard! Let's go through the woods for a while."

Aziraphale looked at the huge tree in the middle of the way, there were still points were smoke came from. Probably it had been hit by lightning in the last storm. He looked up for Gabriel again. He seemed to have gone through this a thousand times, and maybe he had.

"Why do you say so?"

He gritted his teeth. "Hard to reach, horrible roads, too many woods... And most of the time, all this effort, for nothing. These folks are all the same."

"What do you mean?"

"Small village. Nothing happens. Everyone is too superstitious, everyone knows each other, and the obvious fights between families but you don't. People get bored... Then, we are called."

"Are you saying they are accusing someone of witchcraft because they are bored? So, you don't expect to find a witch, why you came?"

Gabriel shrugged. "I'm never expecting NOT to find a witch, but I'm also always expecting witchcraft is not the only and, sometimes, not the worst type of evil I will find. You will learn that with time."

"Your first time... You fond a real witch?"

Gabriel stared at him. His eyes had that odd purple shade. He said nothing.  
...  
The sound of running water reached their ears.

"We should go back to the road. There should be a bridge."

"There is no big river in this area. It's probably just a stream. It's good to know the woods for this job, never know who or what you will have to hunt down." Gabriel smiled at him, making his horse pick a faster pace. Aziraphale had no choice other than trying to keep up with him.

They got to the river. Gabriel was right, it was not large. All that noise came from a small fall that produced a little rocky pool. 

"Pause for a snack?"

Gabriel knew how to tempt him and, to be fair, he was hungry. But the sun was getting low and he was also starting to get afraid they might get lost. They were starting to get too far from the road and get lost in the unknown wood in the middle what the night wasn't an experience he wanted for his first travel.

"We should go back."

Gabriel shrugged. "Your loss. It would be the higher point of this whole thing. Just let the beasts have some water, then we can go."

He dismounted his horse, not giving time for Aziraphale to protest. He followed shortly.

"What do you think?"

"Until now, it's better than expected. Nice fall, nothing spooky."

"Oh really? What about..." 

He screamed. Aziraphale screamed, startled. The lady that emerged from the pool also screamed. Maybe the donkey screamed too.

She proceeded to dive again and swim away, reappearing a little farter.

"Oh, Lord. I'm so sorry!"

"Get out!"

"We didn't mean to startle you, dear girl! We haven't seen you! We are just trying to get to the village!"

"You are going in the wrong direction! The road is that side!" She screamed back, pointing.

"We know! Can you come back? I don't like screaming!"

The woman pointed to a low brach three he hadn't noticed before from where hanged a dark dress.

"Oh, Lord."

Aziraphale's face painted itself with red, but he grabbed the clothes and walked in the pool's direction, while Gabriel kept with his back turned away from the water. He immediately proceeded to do the same the moment he was close enough for her wet hand to grab it.

"Hm... Again. I'm sorry. We didn't know there was someone here."

"Of course you did not. You are not from here, are you? Otherwise, you'd now not to play around these woods."

"Why not?" Aziraphale considered it was enough of an amount of time for her to get dressed. He was wrong. The woman was just pressing the dress in front of her naked body. He immediately stared away from her freckled shoulders, long legs and dripping red hair.

"Didn't you hear? The wood's witch can get you!"

...  
Gabriel chuckled, pulling his horse by his side. "You don't offer a ride to naked river ladies Aziraphale. The village folks will start considering judging you as a witch instead!"

"I thought it was polite! You almost killed her!"

"Of course. I am sure it was what she thought too."

"Oh, God. Do you think she was offended?! I just..."

"Finally!" Mister Shadwell came to greet them as they entered the village. "I was starting to get worried."

"There is a tree blocking the road." Gabriel responded, simply.

"I will send someone to take care of it tomorrow. Come. The night is not a good time to be outside here, so close to the woods. Never know when that siren will be around to lurk men into the river."

"The river?"

"Yes. But don't worry, that bridge is safe, is the rocky pool you should be careful with. You don't want to enrage the red witch too soon."


	2. Crescent Moon

The next morning, Aziraphale was up early. The symphony of roosters crowing, dogs barking and neighbors screaming at it other made it impossible to stay in bed. The bed itself wasn't the most comfortable either. Gabriel was outside already, talking with Mr. Shadwel. The smell of freshly baken bread made Aziraphale's stomach growl.

"I will leave it to you, then, gentleman." He tipped his hat to Aziraphale. "Mornin. Just to be prepared, should I bring a   
torch or a pitchfork? Or both?"

"I will let you know, Mr. Shadwel. Private Aziraphale and I should study the situation first. You know how treacherous those witches are."

The answer seemed to appease the man. He tipped his hat again, relieved to have hired such professional witchfinders that wouldn't be tricked by witches wicked ways. He could never forget what happened with the last witchfinder, Mr. Adultery Pulsifier. He hoped this time things would end differently. 

Gabriel observed the man walk away with an austere glance, and then smiled at Aziraphale. "This man? Totally crazy. His tea is good, though. Sit down."

"Did he tell you about the witch? Well, at least, the woman he thinks is a witch?"

"Oh, Aziraphale, it's definitely a witch! Mr. Shadwell just told me her hair... it's red." He looked very serious, coming closer. "Also, you wouldn't believe it, but she goes around wearing..." He came even closer, whispering. "...Pants." He chuckled. 

Aziraphale giggled with him. "Not a witch, then?"

"Maybe yes, maybe not. Maybe Mr. Shadwel isn't...or the best source of information for this case. We should search for other pieces of evidence before the villager's bloodlust take the best out of themselves. And by we, I mean you, it's your case after all."  
...  
Aziraphale ended up running around the village talking with the people and being introduced into the lore of the "red witch". At first, he was nervous, letting Gabriel ask most of the questions and just listening, but the villagers seemed to be -mostly- warm and welcoming, allowing him to become more comfortable and go by himself. This way, Gabriel said, it would be faster and they would be able to return home earlier.

However, the more he gets involved, the less certain he was. People seemed to be divided into "Yes, she a horrible witch, we should skin her alive", "No, she is not a witch, she is just a little weird, but she is nice" and "Yes, she is a witch. So what? She isn't harming anyone."

Aziraphale decided the villagers' words- and his own view- were being clouded by their opinion, superstitions, and personal feelings. It was not what he came here to judge. He needed to start to get the real facts. If she is a witch, what are the proofs? He shoved to the back of his mind that, if the evidence was valid, he would need to condemn the woman, no matter how bad or how good she was because witchcraft is a sin.   
...  
"She has an unholy garden where she keeps the herbs and weeds for her wicked potions." A dirty-looking fellow named Hastur was telling him.

"And she TALKS with the plants. Certainly, it's part of some devilish ritual to put the whole village under her spell!" His companion, Ligur, agreed.

"Have you SEEN one of her potions before?" Aziraphale sighed.

"Of course. She cured my son when he was sick." Mrs. Young added.

"Ok. That is a good thing, right?"

The three of them looked at him horrified. "Of course not! What if she cursed him? I'm pretty sure she did. The boys go around doing pranks and mocking others. He won't respect his father anymore!"

"I'm sure this is just how kids... Oh, Mr. Shadwel! Nice to see you again."

"Private Aziraphale! How is the investigation going? Enough proof already? Mrs. Young told you the witch turned her son in the antichrist?"

"Actually, I think I should go talk to the witch now. See what does she have to say about it."

The villagers looked at him weirdly. Shadwell laughed. 

"Never crossed my mind you would be a playful one, Mr. Aziraphale. Ask the witch...Ha! You want to see how dangerous she really is before starting, I get it. We can get you there, but I must warn you not to get too close or to go alone or too close to the nightfall."

"We can take him there." Hastur and Ligur said at the same time. 

"Such helpful fellows these two, Mr. Aziraphale." Mrs. Young smiled. "Our dear Shadwell's legs right here are not that young anymore you know, despite he might try to convince you otherwise, we wouldn't want to see if still can run from the witch if she spots you."

Shadwell grunted. "Nonsense woman. I'm going with you. You will need someone experienced to warn you about the witch's deeds. Let's grab your Sargent friend and go."

"Hm... Don't need to worry about that Mr. Shadwell. Just want to know... what are we dealing with. Isn't it better to go now, before it gets dark?"

"Mr. Axolotl is right."

"Aziraphale". He corrected.

Ligur ignored him. "It's better if we go now. It's far. You can find us in the way."  
...  
It looked like they had been walking for hours. Hastur insisted that the witch didn't like horses and it would disturb her. Finally, the sounds of the fall got to his ears.

"Hear that? The is a rock pool this way where the witches like to bath. Never approach it."

"Why not?"

"One time, a friend of ours tried to sneak in the bushes to see her naked... and he was never seen again. "

"Yeah. The witch turned him into a rabbit and his own hounds ate him."

"But he said it was worth it."

"You just said he was never seen again."

"You are not getting the point of the story Aerophane."

"Aziraph..."

"Shhh!!!" Ligur pushed him to the ground. They crawled behind a big rock. Aziraphale was forced to follow. "There. The witch's lair!"

The "witch's lair" seemed to be a well-kept cottage surrounded by a beautiful garden. 

Kneeled in the middle of it, a woman -wearing pants- was talking disapprovingly with some sage. 

"Told you so." Hastur murmured.

"GROW BETTER!" The woman roared.

Ligur got scared and slipped in a pebble.

"Who is there?" The woman got up, she was holding a huge kitchen knife. 

"Shhhh!"

"I can see your shoes, dumbass!"

"Shit. Run man, run!" 

Before he could acknowledge, Hastur and Ligur disappeared between the trees letting Aziraphale behind.

"Who else?! Get out!"

"Huh..." Aziraphale got to his feet. "Hello".

The woman was standing in a treating pose, the knife firm on her hand, and a bunch of herbs hanging from her pockets.

"Hm. Isn't it the little perv." She smiled.

"I said I'm sorry!"

She chuckled.

"And I warned you to stay out of the woods. What do you want?"

"I'm Private Witchfinder Aziraphale."

She narrowed her eyes, which had an unusual golden tone. "I see. Are you looking for the Red Witch?"

"Apparently. Are you the Red Witch?"

"Depends on who you ask." She winked. "I'm Crowley. Come in."

He followed her awkwardly inside the house were more plants were pilled on shelves and hanging from the ceiling. At the small kitchen, a cauldron boiled above the fire. She added a few leaves from her pockets delicately. 

"So, the village folks are concerned about all those plants and herbs you are growing here..."

"Gardening isn't allowed anymore? Don't want me in the village, nor want me to plant. What am I supposed to do, then Private Aziraphale?"

She poured him a bowl and placed it in front of him. Aziraphale sat down, never losing eye contact. Where did that knife go?

"What is it?"

"One of my potions"

"What does it do?"

"It's a death potion." She poured herself a bowl as well, sitting across from him. A huge serpent came unnoticed and started to crawl up her arm and shoulders. She didn't seem to care. "It kills your hungry."

"Well, it's not..."

"It's soup, angel. You can eat it."

Aziraphale blushed. Taking a spoonful to distract himself from the woman. To be fair, it tasted amazing. Maybe amazing enough to eat it if really was a death potion.

"You amuse me, angel. I'm curious. The witchfinder shouldn't trust the witch."

"Do you think is appropriate for you to joke around like that when I'm here to trial you for witchcraft, dear girl?"

Crowley snorted. "Do you think it's appropriate for a serious gentleman to come to alone to the house of a maiden, Private Aziraphale?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one knowing how to pronounce Aziraphale's name and saying it wrong in increasingly ridiculous manners is my jam.  
> I still don't know what to do with this fic, for now, I'm just inserting all the reasons the people think Crowley is a witch. She finds it very funny.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what is going on. I just wanted to write a witchxwitchfinder fic.  
> I haven't decided if Gabriel is good, is bad or simply a hypocrite. If Crowley is really a witch, a demon or just a regular human minding her own business. Maybe I won't need to decide it, I can just give it an ambiguous vibe.  
> Or not. I will see as I go. For now, if you want to give me an idea of what do you want to read about, it would be helpful. I just want to make them fuck in the woods.


End file.
